Voices, Visions, and Virtual Altered States
Part II
Since the human mind works by contrast and comparison as well as by association, my thoughts clung together like magnets. A single positive thought would immediately pull similar thoughts into awareness like a powerful magnet. Like a bunch of helium balloons, they would lift my spirit into a euphoric high.
Conversely, a single negative thought would pull together other negative images. Like lead weights they would instantly drop me into a deep pit of depression.
It took a lot of discipline to fight off this mental armagedon. I quickly learned to carefully control my own thoughts, catching any negative ones and immediately turning them around before they had a chance to overwhelm my overactive imagination. For instance, I looked at my hand and noticed that it was shaking. The more I concentrated on it, the more it shook. I felt that I was going to go into convulsions.
Remembering a book called PSYCHO-CYBERNETICS by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, I quickly broke this feedback loop by focusing my attention on an object across the room. It was as if I were under a deep hypnotic trance but I was also the hypnotist.
I still can't imagine what might have happened if I were less knowledgeable. This could really be hell if a person accidentally stumbled into this twilight zone state and was unable to control it. "What a pity" I thought "that so many individuals will fall victim to this enlightened state not realizing that it was intended for their benefit. Simply because our society feared discussing such things."
After realizing how sensitive I was to suggestions, I learned to talk myself into a very relaxed, calm state of mind.
As a teenager, I wondered how it would feel to become a yogi or experience the inner peace and understanding of the "Kung Fu" TV character, Qui Chang Caine. Now I understood just how wonderful this experience was. It turned out to be quite the opposite of what I had expected. The more relaxed I became, the more energy I had. The less I had to think about, the more clearly I could think.
I realized that my normal stress was actually robbing me of a great deal of energy and concentration. I never wanted to return to my old and terribly inhibited state again!
So I concentrated on keeping my muscles and even my voice calm and relaxed at all times. I was afraid that I could easily slide back into my normal level of stress and completely loose this wonderful experience.
The next day when Roger and I went out to get something to eat I noticed that my coffee was too hot to drink. I started thinking about how dentist and even doctors had used hypnosis to control pain instead of using drugs. I gave myself a suggestion that the coffee was cool. Only about thirty seconds had passed but I picked up the cup and took a drink with no problem. I also noticed that I could change the feeling in my stomach by thinking
"I'm full" and "I'm hungry." I wanted to experiment with other suggestions to see just how suggestible I was. Recalling the churches reference to "getting drunk on the Holy Spirit," I started experimenting with placebos.
To my amazement, I found that I could instantly experience any particular high that I could imagine. The words to Peter Gabriel's "Soulsbury Hill" came to mind: I could not believe the information I just had to trust imagination... My friends would think I was a nut turning water into wine..Who close their eyes but still can see I was shown another me To keep in silence, I resigned Open doors would soon be shut... 'Till I thought of what I'd say Which connections I should cut Today I don't need a replacement I tell them what the smile on my face meant Keep my things, they've come to take me home.
Needless to say, I was having the time of my life! It was like discovering Alladin's lamp. Anything I wished for was immediately granted, within the realm of my own imagination, of course. It was much like Pat Garfield's lucid dreaming except I was awake. Actually, sleepwalking would be a more accurate description.
The entire three week episode was like living in a fantasy movie with incredible animation and Dolby surround-sound.
The following Wednesday I was scheduled to return to work. Obviously, there was no way possible that I could do so in the state of mind I was in. So I called my boss and explained that "I can't come back to work because I think I've discovered how to use the other 90% of my brain."
Near the end of the second week, I really felt a need to talk with somebody who understood what I was experiencing. I drove, along with Roger, to Stanford Medical Center taking with me with me that 2000 year old psychology book. Right in the middle of this book was the "Book of Wisdom." It claimed that whoever sought hard enough would find wisdom waiting by his bed in the morning. I simply wanted someone to confirm that this was what I was experiencing. "Certainly" I thought "I couldn't be alone in my understanding."
The doctor quickly analyzed my symptoms and coldly wrote a prescription to cure my "problem." If he had taken time to listen, he might have realized that I wasn't convinced that I had a problem. In my mind, I had worked very hard to come to this SOLUTION. "God!" I thought "Would this man have given drugs to Jesus Christ to cure him of the Holy Spirit?" But I was sensible enough not to argue with him for fear of being locked up. I left the office convinced that I was perhaps the only person on earth who understood such an experience for what it was.
I was now certain that I was part of only a small group who had this understanding. Since modern psychology didn't seem at all concerned with my incredible discovery I decided to go with Roger for another visit to the church. I was seeing things much more clearly now, and was confident that they could not persuade me into their belief system even though I was still very highly suggestible. But the preacher made one comment that I was really surprised to hear. He said that "Near the end of the world people would not require sleep." I found this to be very fascinating because I, myself, was requiring very little sleep. This was perfectly understandable to me since hypnosis was so similar to a sleep state. But how in the world did they know this?
Again, I began wondering if my destiny might not be part of some higher plan.
For the past three weeks I was very successful at controlling this very imaginative state. But things were about to take a different course.
I started wondering if these voices and visions might actually be some sort of psychic link to a higher con- sciousness of some sort. Maybe it was the end of the world. Maybe I really was dead and existing in some sort of transitory state. I wondered if I might be being influenced telepathically by some sort of supernatural beings. As I listened intently to the words to Led Zeppelin's "Kasmir" I became even more convinced that there might be an enlightened society among our midst: I sit with elders of a gentle race This world is seldom seen They talk of days for which they sit and wait All will be revealed I decided to "go with the flow" or "let go and let God" as the saying goes.
Instead of continuing to control this dream, I began allowing the dream to control me. Roger was talking about going with some friends to the mountains to get away from all of this for awhile. Since he was the only person who seemed to understand my present state of mind, I decided to go along with him.
As I followed behind them on my Kawasaki LTD 1000, I looked back and noticed that the whole valley was covered with dark clouds but the sky ahead was clear and sunny. I had a strong feeling that I was never to return. I was certain that I was to meet up with these supernatural, spiritual beings, now that I had apparently become one of them, myself.
Along the way to Sonora we passed road signs and billboards. Words like "Heavenly Valley" and "Angels Camp" brought up some vivid images confirming my strange beliefs.
When we arrived at the house I noticed that the young lady who lived there spoke in a very soft, pleasant voice, similar to that which I tried to maintain. Just listening to her was hypnotic. Her very relaxed mannerism seemed to be influencing the other young lady who was visiting. She too was becoming much more calm and relaxed than when she first arrived. I imagined that the first lady was some type of spiritual teacher, guiding newcomers into this higher awareness that I had found. I soon came to believe that all the people I came in contact with were supernatural beings. I imagined that thy could even change their physical appearance at will. At one point I whispered "But Roger, you don't know who that dog is. That's Joan."
Even stranger images were forming in my mind. Without embarrassing myself further, I'll just state that when her husband arrived I was asked to leave. He instructed me to "follow the signs" to San Francisco. Little did he realize just how mixed up I was. I followed the "signs" and ended up on a dirt road in the hills. I managed to get my motorcycle stuck in a muddy field, then took off my shoes, socks and jacket and wondered around for several hours, still following the "signs." It was nearly evening and the bottoms of my feet were hurting. Fortunately an Indian couple in a pickup truck offered me a ride back to town. They dropped me off near the house where Roger and his friends were. I wondered aimlessly around the neighborhood for about two more hours. At one point I remember walking along the side of the road, on the yellow line, as cars whizzed by. In my mind was playing "I keep my eyes wide open all the time, because you're mine I walk the line."
I was really lucky that I didn't get hit by a car. My "psychic" awareness led me to an empty house which was under construction. Parked in the driveway was an old Toyota pickup belonging to a locksmith. The window was slightly open and there was a coat hanger antenna which could be easily removed. It seemed to me that this was put here by the "spirits." So I opened the door and found shelter for the night.
My feet were cold, so I wrapped them in some cloth tape that I found on the floor.
The ignition lock was broken and a new key lock had been installed under the dashboard making it very easy to hot wire and start the truck. Naturally, I took this as another "sign." When the sun came up I started the truck and took off down the road. I drove back to the house where Roger was staying, desperately hoping to get some help. But Roger's friend chased me away before Roger even realized that I had returned. He was so upset that he didn't even ask how I had acquired the truck.
I spent another day driving around aimlessly while images, songs etc. played through my head. I remember picking up a hitch- hiker who had run out of gas. I must have been quite a sight with my feet still wrapped in cloth tape. I was so mixed up that I didn't even think to ask him if he could help to get my motorcycle out of the mud.
During another momentary delusion of grandeur I went into a JC Penny store and charged $500 worth of luggage and clothing which I left at a nearby motel. Since I had no other credit card and no cash on me I once again took off with no particular destination in mind.
It was getting dark and the truck was running out of gas so I pulled into a bar on the outskirts of town. All the people in the bar, I imagined, were actually the same people from my past some- how transformed to hide their identity. My mind was still racing with incredible illusions and fantasies. I was having a grand time in my totally uninhibited state, playing guitar and drinking other people's drinks. Other than that I wasn't causing any trouble. The bartender must have realized that something was very wrong with me. As I left the bar, a policeman pulled up and offered me a ride to a nearby hospital for evaluation. I was tired, hungry and terribly confused. So I gladly accepted his offer.
April Fool In the morning I woke up in the brick basement of Valley Medical Center with locked doors and bars on the windows. As I walked down the hall I heard the morning news announcer state that today was April 1st, 1985 . "Oh my God!" I thought. "This has to be the absolute worst April Fool's joke of all time! Certainly this can't be happening! This has to be a bad dream! Right?"
As I recalled the experiences of the past few weeks, I realized that this wasn't a dream. I was actually locked up in a psycho ward! Well, I wanted to expand my horizons. So I accepted it as just another episode of this great learning experience. Considering the length of my "illness" I wondered if this might be the final episode. Perhaps I would never return to normal. I was really afraid that I might spend the rest of my life here.
The doctors didn't talk much with me or the other patients, except for an initial evaluation. After that, all I was told was that I had to take medication to bring my lithium levels up to normal. I was relieved to hear that I wasn't going to stay like this for the rest of my life. It seemed that their intention was to provide as many distractions as possible to focus the patient's attention away from whatever brought them here. Perhaps they felt that talking about my experience would only intensify it. Perhaps they had heard it all before and simply weren't interested. Whatever their plan was I figured I better remain silent and go along with it.
For about the first week, this was really difficult because my imagination was still highly overactive. I remember calling the number for the district attorney and saying "Hello, dad?" Well, I guess it was safer to be here than wondering along the highway. Roger stopped in as often as possible to see how I was doing. (He later told me that he was very close to having a breakdown himself but was forced to refocus his concentration to help bail me out of this situation. If I hadn't gone over the edge first, the situation might have been reversed.)
Talking with my dad and brothers on the phone also helped me to refocus my attention to more normal matters. My brother, Jim, obtained some help from his church group, back in Pennsylvania to find a local pastor to pay a visit. When he laid a Bible on the table in front of me I snapped back into reality, realizing that nothing outside of me had changed at all.
It seemed that I was right back where I started. In the beginning, I was unable to fully understand the experiences of the church group. Now I realized that by the same token I would not be able to explain my experience to other individuals. This most certainly was something unique that each individual had to experience for himself. I had seen all that I had searched for and was ready and willing to return back to normal life once again
I only spent three weeks in the hospital and returned to work about a week later. I told the story of how I had half accidentally and half intentionally put myself into a state of hypnosis. My supervisor told me that his college roommate had studied hypnosis as part of his dentistry classes. And the owner told me about a relative who had undergone hypnosis treatments. Surprisingly, they were very understanding. Besides, they knew me well enough to know that I was as rational and sane as they were.
Going back to work at a high stress company was quite a contrast to the incredible "vacation" that I just had. But something was quite different.
As I was driving to work one day I thought to myself "I don't know why. But I feel good." As soon as I had this thought I felt even better. I started using this affirmation on a daily basis. It was as if I were still in a somewhat suggestible state. I was able to maintain a much more relaxed attitude. When the owner pounded his fist on the desk, yelling "God damn it!" it didn't seem to bother me at all. When he slammed the phone down in a meeting, I didn't even flinch. Even my memory had improved. In the past, I had a difficult time recalling people's names. I would get nervous, trying hard to quickly recall a name. Now I simply remained relaxed and the name would immediately pop up. I was much more tolerant of the stresses around me but I was worried that I might eventually fall back into my old nervous, fearful personality. I made a rational decision to seek a more comfortable working environment. The supervisor at my new job tried to create a healthy and productive working environment. But I soon found out that upper management still believed in "fire and brimstone" management techniques.
I started feeling sick again on my way to work. As time went by the symptoms got worse. After about three years I was diagnosed as having anxiety and panic attacks. Fortunately I was laid-off a year ago and now work in a much healthier environment. But years of conditioning don't disappear overnight. I still have some bad memories lurking just beneath my conscious awareness. Very recently, I learned to use visualization techniques that help to overcome the negative expectations that caused my anxiety.
In the mean time I was introduced to a very nice lady. We lived together for two years. Although we got along very well together, our cultural and religious differences made marriage seem an unlikely possibility. (I just can't tolerate listening to the preachers at the kinds of churches that she attends.) I was afraid we would someday end up with the same fate as Roger and Joan. For the next four years we continued to see each other on weekends. Recently, I returned from a one week camping trip. When I called her, she told me that she had become more involved with the church. At first I was concerned that she was doing so out of fear. But a later conversation proved quite the opposite. Grace tells me that since she became "born again" she feels much better than ever. She has more energy, doesn't need to sleep as much, her allergies have improved and even her diabetes has gone into remission. I just had to smile and tell her that I understand. Unfortunately, her revival faded after about 2 months.
I remember reading somewhere [A COURSE IN MIRACLES, ed.] that: Fear is the absence of Love Love is the absence of Fear With this in mind, I'm sure that I will always remain on the right path.
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