Marriage of the Moment
by Dr. Glenn R. Williston
Intimate relationships are certainly a mixed bag for most people. In the final analysis, it seems to boil down to "can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."
Certainly we are programmed by Mother Nature to be in relationships... for safety, companionship, problem-solving, nurturing, survival, and propagation of the species.
In all my years of working with individuals and couples, I have never ceased to be amazed with how many unattached people yearn for a relationship and how many attached people yearn for the single life. Is it genetics alone that drives us to make relationships happen or do we just want what we don't have and take for granted what we do have?
A few things are certain: many people should never be in an intimate relationship with illusions of living "happily ever after." Others need to be in less of a rush to get into a relationship and more circumspect about prospective partners. And still others need to exit from a relationship long before they become aware that the situation is intolerable.
The great tragedy is not that there are so many singles wishing for a partner, but that so many "marrieds" are living lives of quit desperation. The discontent and pain are so pervasive and debilitating for these individuals that life seems futile and empty.
The hallmarks of these tragic relationships are depression, illness (especially the chronic type), accidents, and violence.
Why do people remain in relationships that don't work? Lots of reasons, but the most common ones are habit, fear, convenience, and co-dependency.
It is the relationship that is frozen in time by co-dependency that is perhaps most common of all. Society teaches us to be co-dependent. Religions teach us to be co-dependent. Songs and greeting cards teach us to be co-dependent.
Simply stated, co-dependency is a combination of
And where there is co-dependency, there is passive-aggressive behavior. Passive-aggressive behavior is indirect aggression. The co-dependent person is angry and frustrated, even full of rage, but isn't aware of these feelings and/or must hide them. Needs and feelings are repressed, too.
The co-dependent who is passive-aggressive, expresses hurts and frustrations in indirect and often unexpected ways, causing serious emotional and psychological injury to self and others.
Esther is a representative example of a co-dependent who is unaware of the depth of her pain and discontent: Esther's needs are ignored by her partner, Jack, despite her efforts to "educate" him... to be clear and direct. Esther has even taken classes and seminars in communication. Jack appears to be listening to her... at times, and at other times, he brushes her off with statements such as, "You're too sensitive," "You want everything your way," and "Typical woman!" Esther has heard these and other defensive comments thousands of times over the past ten years. The bottom line is that her needs are still not met; she feels angry, resentful, defensive, defeated, confused, exhausted, and insecure. She loves Jack, she says, and she is convinced that "chemistry" exists between them.
Esther wants marriage.
Jack does not.
Esther is in pain.
Jack is not.
Esther wants change.
Jack likes things the way they are.
Esther's friends notice that she talks about Jack and their relationship all the time. Apparent to everyone, but Esther, is the fact that her actions, her thoughts, her feelings, her very beingness and sense of self revolve around what Jack does or doesn't do, what Jack thinks, what Jack likes and doesn't like, what Jack says and doesn't say.
Because Esther focuses on "chemistry," she is blind to all her other needs, and her friends see her as willing to sacrifice twenty or thirty other fundamental relationship needs for the sake of chemistry.
And what is chemistry? It is a subtle subconscious olfactory stimulation (sense of smell) that all other animals possess on the "conscious" level. There may be chemistry between Esther and Jack, but Esther really uses the term to mean that she shares a history with Jack, is familiar with the ways they relate, and is addicted to Jack.
The good news about chemistry is that it has guaranteed the perpetuation of the species by assuring sexual attraction.
The bad news is that it causes blindness to pain, as in Esther's case, and an excuse for perpetuating an addiction to someone who fails to meet her needs.
What Esther doesn't realize is that oil and water have chemistry, but they don't mix. They should never be mixed. And struggling to mix them leads to frustrations, resentment, ... and exhaustion.
At least once a week Esther explodes at Jack for some familiar comment or behavior, which leaves him stunned and confused since the "punishment" does not seem to fit the "crime." He either withdraws or says, "I didn't mean anything by it," or "You are just too sensitive."
Jack is also confused because of the mixed message he receives on a daily basis, as evidenced by what he says often to his buddies: "She is still with me so the problem can't be me. She's just a typical woman who loves to nag and complain. So I let her."
In addition to her occasional explosions, nearly every day she whines and nags Jack; this despite the fact that no positive results have ever come from this behavior.
Because women in most cultures of the world are taught from childhood to avoid making waves at all costs, to be "ladylike," to repress emotions and feelings, and have no needs, to be co-dependent, they grow into adulthood feeling hollow and invisible, and always... in all ways, putting others' feelings and needs first.
Esther wants to be a spiritual person and bring love into all her relationships. Her friends see her as loving and caring... and blind to the reality that Jack is all wrong for her. Because these friends love Esther and want her to "see the light," they feed back to her the negativity she has fed to them about Jack: "He's a jerk." "He's not good enough for you." "He's so blind." Their negative comments about Jack do not comfort Esther or help her to see the reality of the situation. In fact, knowingly and unknowingly, she dismisses their "support," claiming that her friends "don't really understand."
She is in a no-win situation.
Her friends are in a no-win situation.
Jack is unfazed by it all.
Esther's position is clear and unshakable: "We have good chemistry." And she also defends Jack by stating that Jack is "a real man," reminding her of her father and her brother. Sex is good... when it happens, (it is happening less and less frequently). Despite a couple of green lights and several dozen red lights, Esther is convinced that Jack is "her man" and she "could not relate as well to any other man." She "understands" Jack and he "understands" her, she insists. She has limited experience with other intimate relationships. And she cites the turmoil in the lives of her friends as evidence that "all relationships have their problems," and "people do not always get along."
Since Jack is not obviously abusive towards Esther, is "good with kids and animals," Esther is misled further, insisting that "Jack has great potential" and she thinks she can live long enough for it to be realized.
If she can just hold on ... if she can just get him to "see the light."
It is true that everyone is an awakening Being at some stage of awakening, but that fact does not make oil and water mix miraculously. Esther's headaches, lower back pain, and a developing ulcer are the results of trying to make them mix. Her anger, resentment, depression, anxiety, sleeplessness, inner tension, and feelings of despair are the psychological - physiological proof that oil and water do not mix.
The solution for Esther and millions of others like her is "The Marriage of the Moment." What is the Marriage of the Moment? It is the acceptance of separate, individual times of pleasure with no expectations of future involvement of any kind. It is a full experience of the Now Moment with no thoughts, wishes, hopes, or desires for a "happily ever after" with Jack, and no resentments of the past. In Esther's case, she begins to recognize that if she insists on seeing Jack, she must "marry him for the moment" only. That is, each time they are together, she must be fully present in that moment, fully sensual in that moment, enjoying the moment completely. She also must release the illusion that she can marry Jack or that they can have any kind of future happiness together - that oil and water can someday mix.
The Marriage of the Moment helps Esther practice her spirituality by making each moment a "waking meditation" in which she is focusing on her personal needs and signals rather than on what Jack is saying or doing, not saying or not doing, what he thinks, what he feels, what he needs, what he might say, what he might need, what he might become, how she can help him realize his full potential, how she can say the right things, how she can avoid causing problems, how she can get her point across, how she can make him hear her at long last, how she can help him have a good time, how she can pretend he is not annoying her, what she will tell her friends, how she can have him forever.... Ugh!
The Marriage of the Moment implies that Esther keeps her eyes and ears open for red lights that confirm the need for clear boundaries. Her health, both physical and mental, does not afford her the luxury of reforming, training, or teaching Jack how to think and feel, or how to meet her needs when hundreds of red lights over many years have told her that he is not interested and/or capable of meeting her needs. Jack is not bad. Jack is not a jerk. Jack is not insensitive. Jack is Jack. And he is a Messenger from a healing Universe, helping Esther to find her best good. Since everyone is a Mirror, Messenger, a Mentor, and/or a Master, Jack is no exception. The Marriage of the Moment helps Esther resolve the "all-or-nothing," "if- only" thinking that she is trapped in. She wants Jack... if only he will change. The Marriage of the Moment allows Esther to enjoy Jack with Life-lines (boundaries) in place.
This means being with Jack occasionally, under certain carefully chosen circumstances, in certain environments, with certain friends, on certain days. The signals, (red, yellow, and green) revealed to her in all her years with Jack, tell her when, where, how, and under what circumstances the Marriages of the Moment occur.
Only when Esther replaces the hope for a Marriage of a Lifetime with the Marriage of the Moment can Esther begin to heal.
Only then can Esther begin to live.
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